And on that farm...

I never wanted to hear my daughter ask for 'MacDonald's' or worse, 'Maccas'. So I have always refused to tell her what the name of the place with the golden arches is called.

In a clear case of double-standards, I have less of a problem with her eating there.

Whenever we go on road trips, she begs us to stop at the 'cheeseburger shop'. On our most recent jaunt, she must have overheard my husband and I refer to the fast-food institution by name.

She now asks to eat to at 'Old MacDonald's'.

I really hope she doesn't ask what he has on his farm. Do I say, "Cows, chickens, fish and before 10.30am - pigs"?

Buddhism 101 (#2)

Just as she is about to fall asleep, there's one last question:

"Mummy, how did Buddha's mum die?"

Whatever happened to a simple "Good night"?

A movie by any other name...

She told me she'd really like to see 'High School Music Kids'.

So boring

This morning she says to me, "I'm boring, so boring." No, she doesn't lack self-esteem – she just meant to say 'bored'.

Yes, of course

Petal has chosen to replace the simple word 'yes' with 'of course'.

It can make her sound either certain, smug or plain rude.

Certain...
Me: Have you brushed your teeth?
Petal: Of course.

Smug...
Me: Did your friends like your new shoes?
Petal: Of course.

Rude...
Me: Would you like toast for breakfast?
Petal: Of course!

Will she ever just say 'yes' again?

Yes, of course she will.

Plastic-free zone

She asks me, "Do you have silicon in your body?"

She now lives in left-field. "No, some mummy's do, but I don't."

"Yes, you do." She convinced.

"No darling, I'm all natural. Who's been telling you about silicon?"

"My teacher says everyone has silicon in their body?"

"Has your teacher just visited LA?"

She shrugs. "She says your bones make your silicon."

"Do you mean your skeleton?"

"That's what I said!"

Buddhism 101 (#1)

As I'm hanging out the washing, my daughter comes to me with an important question. "Mummy, how did Buddha die?" I wasn't expecting this.

"Um, ah, I'm not sure, darling. I think he just got really old and died."

She looks at me suspiciously. "Mum, did you kill Buddha?"

I burst out laughing. She takes this as a sure sign of guilt.

Staring me down, "Mum, why did you kill Buddha?"

I'm speechless. She runs off in tears.

"I didn't kill Buddha. I DIDN'T KILL BUDDHA," I call out.

I'm left standing there with my husband's damp underpants and a plastic clothes peg in my hands, wondering, "What must the neighbours think?"

Warning: may contain nuts

When offered a piece of hazelnut chocolate, her response:

"No thanks, it makes me nutty."

Not funny ha-ha, funny weird (#1)

Her favourite bedtime story is Duck, Death and the Tulip. It really does feature the Grim Reaper. He does kill the duck. Creepy, yet strangely beautiful.

Sweet dreams, darling.

Are you talking to me?

My daughter, who will now be referred to as Petal, calls her grandmother:

Ring, ring...

Petal: Hello..
...

Petal: Yes, I'm good.
...

Petal: Yes, I'm wonderful.
...

Petal: That's good.
...

Petal: Okay, I have to go now.
...

Petal: Bye-bye, love you.

Hangs up.

"How was she?" I ask.

Petal just shrugs her shoulder. "I don't know. It was just a message."

Sticks and stones

In a fit of rage last night, my daughter yelled at me, "Mum, you are a lawyer!"

She has no idea what a lawyer is, but she knew it was an insult.

BTW, I'm a journalist.

Even the faintest pen...

... is more reliable than the most retentive memory.

If Confucius was around today, I'm sure he'd happily swap 'faintest pen' for 'stickiest keyboard'.

I'm writing this blog because every day my four-year-old says something that I think is hilarious. I laugh so hard that I'm sure I'll never forget those words. But come the following week, I haven't got a clue what had me doubled-over.

My 14-year-old nephew is always asking me to remind him of the funny things he said as a little one. I can only remember two things:

1. When served up a delicious pasta meal (which he recalls as consisting of bacon and peanuts. They were pinenuts), he looked up and said, "That's gourmet cooking for ya!". He was three. Years later we discovered it was a line from Willy Wonker and the Chocolate Factory.

2. He would pronounce 'vomit' as 'bonnet'.

These are the two 'gems' I can recall from his days filled with funny little quips.

I'm not going to allow my daughter's comic genius to be lost forever.