Love hurts

Petal has had a crush on a fellow pre-schooler, let's call him Don Juan, for months now. Sadly, he was showing little sign of feeling the same way. Petal decided to take matters into her own hands.

"Mummy, I'm going to ask Don Juan if he loves me," she informed me one morning.

"Ah, okay, um, are you sure?" I spluttered.

"Yes, I'm going to ask him and I think he's going to say 'yes'," she proclaimed.

I admired her guts, but I was terrified too.

She left for pre-school that morning with a look of determination.

That afternoon when I picked her up, she came running to me with her big, round eyes on the verge of tears.

"What's wrong, darling?"

"I asked Don Juan if he loved me and he said, 'No'," she sobbed.

Oh dear. "Then what did he say?" I asked.

"Nothing, he just went back to playing in the sandpit."

The cold-hearted bastard!

I couldn't think of any words of wisdom until later that evening as I was putting her to bed.

"Darling, you know you're not able to get married when you're four years old. So really, you don't want to meet your perfect boy at this age." I consoled.

"But Mummy," she protested. "It's too late. I've met the boy I want to marry."

This was going to be tricky.

"Well, I met Daddy when I was 27 and that's a good age to meet the person you want to marry."

She thought about this for a while.

"Or 87?" she asked.

"Sounds good to me!" her father called from the next room.

"Me too" I added.

We lay in bed together, blissful in the thought of 83 years free from heart-break.

"But not 170," Petal piped up.

"Yes, that may be too long to wait," I agreed.

"No, Mummy, because when I'm 170 I'll be dead."

I couldn't take anymore.

"Goodnight, darling," I sighed, hoping that tomorrow we could return to talking about Barbie and glitter.

Feeling like a boob

Petal cuddled up to me on the couch.

"Mummy, when I'm older I'm going to have big boobies," she grinned.

"Just like Mummy," I grinned back.

"No, yours will be old boobies by then... Grandma!" she laughed.

I didn't.

Sticky situation

Petal asked me if I could get her some "chewing-gum tape".

What did she mean?

Blu-tac.

Grow up!

Petal’s little brother turned two recently. In the morning, she rushed in to wish him a ‘happy birthday’. She quickly stopped in her tracks.

“You still look one-ish!” she exclaimed to him.

“What do you mean?” I asked her.

She looked him up and down.

Looking up again, she said, “He still doesn’t have much hair.”

Then looking down again in disgust, she grunted, “And he still wears a nappy.”

Get a room!

As we pulled up in the car outside our home, my husband reached over and gave me a kiss.

From the backseat of the car we heard, "Stop it!"

We both turned to see Petal glaring at us.

Quite unimpressed, she growled at us, "You have two little kids!"

Hot stuff

As we dined together the other night, Petal asked me the name of the sauce on my steak.

"It's called Bernaise," I explained.

"Is it spicy?" she asked.

"No, not at all."

"Well, that's a bit silly," she tutted.

"Why?"

"Because it's called burn-aise," she huffed.

Fair enough

Petal's aunty from the UK popped over to visit us.

"Where do you live?" asked Petal.

"In London," explained her aunty.

"Like 'London Bridge is Falling Down'?" continued Petal.

"Yes, just like that. I sometimes travel over London Bridge."

Petal stopped in her tracks and looked at her aunty with great interest.

"Are you the fair lady?" Petal quizzed her.

Her aunty was a little surprised by this question.

"Um, er, I'd like to think so..." she uttered.

At this point I interrupted the conversation.

"Do you think she's the 'fairest of them all?'" I asked Petal, explaining to her aunty that we'd just been watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Petal shook her head. "No, that's not what I mean."

Her aunty stepped in. "Have you seen 'My Fair Lady'?"

Petal looked at us both bemused. Then without any warning, she launched into singing:

"London Bridge in falling down, falling down, falling down,
London Bridge in falling down (she takes a deep breath)
MY FAIR LADY!"

Ah, of course.