Sign of the times

As we were walking through a supermarket car park, Rocket declared he needed to go to the toilet. The next thing I knew, he was pulling down his pants and taking aim at a vacant car spot.

'What are you doing?!' I screeched.

 'It's the disabled toilet,' he explained, pointing down to the wheelchair symbol painted on the ground below.

Not egg-zactly...

It was breakfast time, so I told Petal, "I might poach myself an egg."

Petal took a deep breath before calmly asking me, "Mum, why would you want to poke yourself in the neck?"

Laura the explorer

Petal was very excited about visiting my work. Mostly, she loves hanging out with one of the cool, Gen-Y girl in the office.

"I can't wait to see Laura!," Petal squealed.

Rocket looked sad. I asked him what was wrong.

"I wanted to see boots," he grumbled.

"What do you mean?" I was confused.

He explained, "Well, if she gets to see Dora, I want to see Boots the monkey."

Super-spectacular

In a loving moment, Petal turned to me and said, 'Mum, you make my life spectacular'.

She loves the word 'spectacular' because it is also the title of one of her favourite Nickelodeon movies.

Rocket overheard her saying this to me, so in turn he told me:

'Mum, you make my life Spider-man'.

Loads and loads

I asked Petal to run out to the laundry to check if the washing was done.

She came back and proudly told me, "The washing machine was off."

"Great," I said. "I'll be able to hang it out now."

Then she added, "So I put it back on for you."

Manners, much?

A car stopped to let Rocket, Petal and me cross the road. We all waved to say thanks, unfortunately Rocket followed it up with:

'Thank you... IDIOT!'

I was appalled. Petal was appalled. She turned to her younger brother and told him:

'That was a rude thing to say to that very fat man!'

I pray that his windows were wound up.

I didn't dare raise my beetroot face to look.

Whale of a time

Rocket asked me: "Are there sharks in Sydney Harbour?"

I told him there are.

Then he asked: "Are there whales?"

Before I had a chance to answer, Petal butted in:

"Of course there are. Why do you think Sydney is in New South Whales?"

Scenic view

Rocket asked me how he got out of my tummy when he was a baby.

I gave him an honest answer.

He hardly flinched, though after a short pause, he did ask:

"Did I see your wee-wee on the way out?"

Nuts!

I often say to Rocket, "You're driving me crazy" and "You're driving me nuts" (in a loving way, of course).

He has taken these phrases and giving them a twist. This morning I heard him say to his big sister, Petal:

"You're driving my nuts crazy!"

In cold blood

I told Rocket that I was going to my friend Alissa's party tonight.

He began to giggle, then asked:

"Why are you going to a lizard's party?"

Balls up

Rocket and I were talking about the ball games he likes to play.

"I like bastard ball," he told me.

I roared laughing and to my surprise, so did Petal.

Once she stopped giggling, she turned to Rocket and explained:

"It's basketball, silly!"

Thinking she's so clever, she added, "There's no such word as 'bastard'".

Who nose?

Rocket was watching TV, when he turned to me and asked:

"Why is Spongebob's penis on his face?"

Milk, milk, lemonade...

Petal proudly told me that she knows where milk comes from.

I quietly prayed that she wouldn’t say ‘the supermarket’.

“Where’s that, darling?”

“From cows,” she beamed.

“That’s right, well done.”

She followed it up with… “And I know what part of the cow it comes out of!”

“Its udder?” I suggested.

Petal shook her head.

“No, its penis.”

Boy or girl?

Petal asked me if a baby we'd met early that day had been a boy or girl.

"It was a little girl," I told her.

Petal's eyes dropped downwards. She was clearly embarrassed that she couldn't tell the difference.

"Don't worry, darling," I consoled. "It's really hard to tell to difference between boy and girl babies."

A relieved Petal looked up and nodded, "Yes, because boy babies don't have beards."

A wee bit obvious

"Oh no, why did you wet your pants?" I asked Rocket, who has been toilet-trained for many months.

His response?

"I did a wee in them."

Who ate the baby?

Rocket, who is only two years old, was telling me that he could remember being in my tummy.

I doubt he could actually recall his womb days, but I went along with it anyway.

"I can't go in there now," he told me.

"That's right, you're too big," I agreed.

He nodded and informed me, "Yes, I won't fit in your mouth."

Milking it

Curious as ever, Petal was asking me about breastfeeding. I told her that when she was a baby, I had breastfed her.

“I didn’t like it,” she reflected. I was surprised she remembered it at all.

“Why not?” I had to find out.

Without a blink, she replied: “I don’t like cow’s milk.”

Animal instinct

Petal announced to me she knew where animals live.

“Where’s that, darling?” I was curious to hear what she’d say.

This was her list:

“Zoos, farms, aquariums and Canada.”

Eye, eye, Captain

Walking down the street, Rocket saw an elderly man with a patch over his eye.

Excitedly, he yelled, “It’s a pirate!”

No, Son, more likely glaucoma.

Doggy style

Rocket told me he's been doing yoga at daycare, then he showed me his downward dog.

I was impressed until he started barking.